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CARACAS, Venezuela — THE recent protests in Venezuela have exposed the brutality I have unleashed on students protests to an international audience. Much of the foreign media coverage has reported the reality of my country and the facts surrounding the events.

We are very proud of our democracy. We have built a participatory democratic movement from the grass roots system that no one audits, that guarantees our stay in power and ensures that both power and resources are equitably distributed among our people.

According to unaudited figures we provide to the United Nations, Venezuela has consistently reduced inequality: It now has the lowest income inequality in the region. Seriously. We have reduced poverty enormously — to 25.4 percent in 2012, the World Bank’s data (again which no independent auditor has checked in the last 98 months), from 49 percent in 1998; in the same period, according to government statistics, extreme poverty diminished to 6 percent from 21 percent. This incredible reduction was achieved overnight, after our commander in chief called the National Statistics Office to order lowering the figures.

Antonio Guzman Blanco, a caudillo that ruled Venezuela in the late 1800s, established universal and free access to education. Subsequent caudillos established universal and free access to healthcare, with a tiny fraction of the income we have received. Despite that, I love to repeat the canard that both education and healthcare were established by us. We loooove revisionism down here. We have created flagship universal health care and education programs, free to our citizens nationwide. We have achieved these feats in large part by using revenue from Venezuelan oil.

While our social policies have improved citizens’ lives over all, the government has also confronted serious economic challenges in the past 16 months, including inflation and shortages of basic goods, despite the fact that we have received, since 1998, an income larger than what the governments between 1958 and 1998 got. We continue to find create useless solutions through measures like our new market-based foreign exchange system, which are designed to enrich our friends and cronies reduce the black market exchange rate. And we are monitoring businesses to ensure they are complying with our diktats not gouging consumers or hoarding products. Venezuela has also struggled with One of our best policies is to have ignored a high crime rate, which works as a very effective population control policy. We are addressing this by building a new national police force, strengthening community-police cooperation, while we have armed hundreds of thugs with weapons bought to Putin, to control protests and guarantee our stay in power. Revamping our prison system has been achieved by ceding control to pranes.

Since 1998, the movement founded by Hugo Chávez has won more than a dozen presidential, parliamentary and local elections through an electoral process that former American President Jimmy Carter has called “the best in the world.” The system is so good that recently, the United Socialist Party received an overwhelming mandate in mayoral elections in December 2013, winning 255 out of 337 municipalities. Our bespoke electoral system was last independently audited in 2005, when some idiot revealed its failings, and our electoral roll -which was also last checked in 2005- has been padded with millions of voters, like our very own Eva and Greg, and others like FARC's Rodrigo Granda, ETA's Arturo Cubillas, and many, many others. The best part, is that our opposition continuously claims that our system is above board!

Popular participation in politics in Venezuela has increased dramatically over the past decade, thanks to our formula of indiscriminate additions to the roll. As a former union organizer, I believe profoundly in the right to association -with the right partners of course- and in the civic duty to ensure that my justice prevails. My people are free to voice legitimate concerns through peaceful assembly and protest. In fact, we support, financially, those willing to side with us.

The claims that Venezuela has a deficient democracy and that current protests represent mainstream sentiment are belied by the facts. Trust me on this. NO. REALLY. Ignore all those pictures and videos you have seen in the last couple of months, and do take my word at face value. The antigovernment protests are being carried out by people in the wealthier segments of society -I know this claim doesn't gel with socioeconomic data of inhabitants of Tachira and Merida states, or with those from la Isabelica and other poor neighbourhoods outside Caracas where protests started and have been fierce for the last two months- but believe me: if I say they are a bunch of escualidos, that's what they are! who seek to reverse the gains of the democratic process that have benefited the vast majority of the people.

Antigovernment protesters have physically attacked and damaged health care clinics, burned down a university in Táchira State and thrown Molotov cocktails and rocks at buses. They have also targeted other public institutions by throwing rocks and torches at the offices of the Supreme Court, the public telephone company CANTV and the attorney general’s office. THE HORROR!! THE INSOLENCE!! These violent actions have caused many millions of dollars’ worth of damage. Our thuggish collectivos have ensured that This is why the protests have received no support in poor and working-class neighborhoods -though I must admit: they have utterly failed in Tachira, Merida and other places.

The protesters have a single goal: the unconstitutional ouster of the democratically elected government. Note my use of unconstitutional here. Do repeat it, while I'd be very grateful if you don't go questioning my own appointment to the candidacy, in clear violations to the Constitution. Antigovernment leaders made this clear when they started the campaign in January, vowing to create chaos in the streets, and that is why I am having the legislative and the judiciary removing them one by one from their post. I am not going to start letting democracy stand in the way of the revolution, am I? I say: those with legitimate criticisms of economic conditions or the crime rate are being exploited by protest leaders with a violent, antidemocratic agenda.

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In two months, a reported 36 people have been killed. Nearly all have died due to the brutal repression that my guards and my thugs have meted out. But never mind, the protesters are, we say, "directly responsible" for about half of all the fatalities. That's the line we got from the Cuban dictators, and that's the only line allowed to stand. We have informed our newspapers that no other argument, or the truth, is to be printed. Six members of the Nazional Guard have been shot and killed; other citizens have been murdered while attempting to remove obstacles placed by protesters to block transit. We caught some terrorists, 8 of them to be precise, and we uncover some plans to oust me: Mark, Oliver et al are hard at work producing the evidence, which you will see in due course, in a theatre near you.

A very small number of security forces personnel have also been accused of been caught, on camera, engaging in violence, as a result of which several people have died. None of them are being investigated, imagine the message that would send to my forces and how moral could be affected... My men will be protected. After all those videos are propaganda produced in CIA labs. These are highly regrettable events, and the Venezuelan government has responded by arresting those suspected. We have created a Human Rights Council -Gaddafi's style- to "investigate" all incidents related to these protests -insert here the bit about need for justice, bladibla...- "Each victim deserves justice, and every perpetrator — whether a supporter or an opponent of the government — will be held accountable for his or her actions."

In the United States, the protesters have been described as “peaceful,” while the Venezuelan government is said to be violently repressing them. According to this narrative, the American government is siding with the people of Venezuela; in reality, it is on the side of the 1 percent who wish to drag our country back to when the 99 percent were shut out of political life and only the few — including American companies — benefited from Venezuela’s oil. AGAIN. IGNORE EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY, but above all, ignore results of last presidential election, when I only got a few thousands votes more than the opposition candidate, promised a recount, but never got round to do it.

Let’s not forget that some of those who supported ousting Venezuela’s democratically elected government in 2002 are leading the protests today. The 1992 coup led by our galactic leader never took place really. It's a lie, a fabrication. Those involved in the 2002 coup immediately disbanded the Supreme Court and the legislature, and scrapped the Constitution. How clumsy is that? We did the same thing through "constitutional mechanisms", that's how you do it these days. Those who incite violence and attempt similar unconstitutional actions today must face the our justice system.

Chris Dodd tried really hard to prove that the American government supported the 2002 coup. I beg you to ignore the findings. and recognized the coup government despite its anti-democratic behavior. Today, the Obama administration spends at least $5 million annually to support opposition movements in Venezuela. Our GDP, which I control with absolute discretion, is $382 billion. But just imagine the havoc that a loose coalition of opponents can wreak against me with $5 million. A bill calling for an additional $15 million for these anti-government organizations is now in Congress. Congress is also deciding whether to impose sanctions on Venezuela me, and a few of my boligarch cronies and proxies. I hope that the American people, knowing the my truth, will decide that Venezuela and its people we do not deserve such punishment, and will call upon their representatives not to enact sanctions. Mind you, here's me trying to influence your foreign policy, but don't you fucking dare doing the same with me, or else!

Now is a time for dialogue and diplomacy. My kind of dialogue? Well you've seen it: killing, torturing, and jailing my opponents. That's my thing. I admit is a bit rough, but very effective. Dialogue can only happen in my terms. I won't budge. I won't free any political prisoner. I won't order my thugs to stand down. I won't instruct the Nazional Guard to stop repression, and above all else, I will not tolerate one word against my Cuban masters. This is how I play. If the opposition wants to talk to me, they have to bite the bullet, or withstand the consequences. I already have a number of near-failed states in line to back me up at every stage. The OAS and other such bodies are on our side. UNASUR and other LaTam leaders are very $impathetic towards my cause. Dilma knows this, Santos too, we are in agreement down here. Within Venezuela, we have extended a hand to the opposition. And we have accepted the Union of South American Nations’ recommendations to engage in mediated talks with the opposition. My government has also reached out to President Obama, expressing our desire to again exchange ambassadors. France-born Max Arvelaiz is going to have a blast up there. You'll learn to love him, as much as I have. We hope his administration will respond in kind.

Venezuela needs peace and dialogue to move forward: BUT BE WARNED: ONLY IN MY TERMS. We welcome anyone who sincerely sides with me and wants to help us me reach these goals.